BBS Toolkit/BBS Toolkit.iso/wildcat/wbquote.zip/QUOTE8.LST

File List | 1993-02-27 | 48KB | 1,612 lines

Nature sides with the hidden flaw.


Ralph's Observation:
  It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object
  to realize that you are in a hurry.


Cole's Law:
  Thinly sliced cabbage


Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.


Firestone's Law of Forcasting:
  Chicken Little only has to be right once.


Manly's Maxim:
  Logic is a systematic method of coming to
  the wrong conclusion with confidence.


Moer's truism:
  The trouble with most jobs is the job holder's
  resemblence to being one of a sled dog team. No one
  gets a change of scenery except the lead dog.


Cannon's Comment:
  If you tell the boss you were late for work because you
  had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.


MURPHY'S LAW:
  If anything can go wrong, it will.


Murphy's Corollary:
  Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.


Murphy's Corollary:
  It is impossible to make anything foolproof
  because fools are so ingenious


Murphy's Constant:
  Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value


Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law:
  Everything goes wrong all at once.


O'Toole's Commentary:
  Murphy was an optimist.


Scott's Second Law:
  When an error has been detected and corrected,
  it will be found to have been correct in the first place.


Finagle's First Law:
  If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.


Finagle's Second Law:
  No matter what the experiment's result, there
  will always be someone eager to:
  (a) misinterpret it.
  (b) fake it.
  or
  (c) believe it supports his own pet theory.


Finagle's Third Law:
  In any collection of data, the figure most obviously
  correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.


Finagle's Fourth Law:
  Once a job is fouled up, anything done to
  improve it only makes it worse.


Gumperson's Law:
  The probability of anything happening is in
  inverse ratio to its desirability.


Rudin's Law:
  In crises that force people to choose among
  alternative courses of action, most people will
  choose the worst one possible.


Ginsberg's Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics:
  You can't win.
  You can't break even.
  You can't quit.


Ehrman's Commentary
  Things will get worse before they will get better.
  Who said things would get better?


Commoner's Second Law of Ecology:
  Nothing ever goes away.


Howe's Law:
  Everyone has a scheme that will not work.


Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving Systems Dynamics:
  Once you open a can of worms, the only way to
  recan them is to use a bigger can.


Non-Reciprocal Law of Expectations:
  Negative expectations yield negative results.
  Positive expectations yield negative results.


Klipstein's Law:
  Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward
  maximum difficulty of assembly.


Interchangeable parts won't.


You never find a lost article until you replace it.


Glatum's Law of Materialistic Acquisitiveness:
  The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional
  to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.


Lewis' Law:
  No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've
  bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.


If nobody uses it, there's a reason.


You get the most of what you need the least.


The Airplane Law:
  When the plane you are on is late, the plane you
  want to transfer to is on time.


Etorre's Observation:
  The other line moves faster.


First Law of Revision:
  Information necessitiating a change of design will be
  conveyed to the designer after - and only after - the
  plans are complete.
  (Often called the 'Now They Tell Us' Law)


Second Law of Revision:
  The more innocuous the modification appears to be, the
  further its influence will extend and the more plans
  will have to be redrawn.


Corollary to the First Law of Revision:
  In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way versus
  one obvious wrong way, it is often wiser to choose the wrong
  way, so as to expedite subsequent revision.


LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
I.  Any given program, when running, is obsolete.


LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
II. Any given program costs more and takes longer.


LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
III. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.


LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
IV. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.


LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
V. Any program will expand to fill available memory.


LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
VI. The value of a program is proportional to the weight
    of its output.


LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
VII. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities
     of the programmer who must maintain it.


LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
VIII. Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.


LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
IX. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to
    detectable errors, which by definition are limited.


LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
X. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.


Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
  There's always one more bug.


Shaw's Principle:
  Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool
  will want to use it.


Law of the Perversity of Nature:
  You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of
  the bread to butter.


Law of Selective Gravity:
  An object will fall so as to do the most damage.


Jennings Corollary to the Law of Selective Gravity:
  The chance of the bread falling with the butter side down
  is directly proportional to the value of the carpet.


Wyszkowski's Second Law:
  Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.


Sattinger's Law
  It works better if you plug it in.


Lowery's Law:
  If it jams - force it.
  If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.


Schmidt's Law:
  If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.


Anthony's Law of Force
  Don't force it - get a bigger hammer.


Cahn's Axiom:
  When all else fails, read the instructions.


Gordon's First Law:
  If a project is not worth doing at all,
it's not worth doing well.


Law of Research:
  Enough research will tend to support your theory.


Maier's Law:
  If the facts do not conform to the theory,
they must be disposed of.


Peer's Law:
  The solution to the problem changes the problem.


  Beware of the man who works hard to learn something,
learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before. He is
full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant
without having come by their ignorance the hard way.
    - Bokonon


  Help a man when he is in trouble and he will
remember you when he is in trouble again.


  You can lead a man to slaughter,
but you can't make him think.


  Don't get mad, get even.


Carson's Law:
  It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.


The Golden Rule:
  He who has the gold, makes the rules.


Mark's mark:
  Love is a matter of chemistry;
  sex is a matter of physics.


Korman's conclusion:
  The trouble with resisting temptation is it may
never come your way again.


Knight's Law:
  Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.


Maugham's Thought:
  Only a mediocre person is always at his best.


Krueger's Observation:
  A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil
service exam in order to work for the government.


Benchley's Law of Distinction:
  There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe
there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.


Harver's Law:
  A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.


Schmidt's Observation:
  All things being equal, a fat person uses
more soap than a thin person.


Gibb's Law:
  Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another.


Fools rush in where fools have been before.


Rule of Accuracy:
  When working towards the solution of a problem, it always
helps if you know the answer.


Inside every small problem is a large problem struggling to get out.


Wyszowski's Law:
  No experiment is reproducible.


Fett's Law:
  Never replicate a successful experiment.


Brooke's Law:
  Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
discovers something which either abolishes the system or
expands it beyond recognition.


The first Myth of Management:
  It exists.


  Spend sufficient time confirming the need and
the need will disappear.


Peter's Placebo:
  An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.


Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour:
  People are always available for work in the past tense.


Wiker's Law:
  Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.


Clarke's First Law:
  When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that
something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he
states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.


Clarke's Third Law:
  Any sufficiently advanced technology is
indistinguishable from magic.


Segal's Law:
  A man with a watch knows what time it is.
  A man with two watches is never sure.


Weiler's Law:
 Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself.


Weinberg's Second Law:
  If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.


Hartley's Second Law:
  Never go to bed with anybody crazier than you are.


Beckhap's Law:
  Beauty times brains equals a constant.


Katz's Law:
  Men and women will act rationally when all other
possibilities have been exhausted.


Cole's Axiom:
  The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant;
the population is growing.


Vique's Law:
  A man without a religion is like a fish without a bicycle.


Jone's Motto:
  Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.


Churchill's commentary on man:
  Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
time he will pick himself up and continue on.


The ultimate Law:
  All general statements are false.


The Unspeakable Law:
  As soon as you mention something;
  if it is good, it goes away.
  if it is bad, it happens.


The Whispered Rule:
  People will believe anything if you whisper it.


The First Law of Wing Walking:
  Never let hold of what you've got until
you've got hold of something else.


  Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning
and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.


Farnsdick's corollary:
  After things have gone from bad to worse,
the cycle will repeat itself.


Lynch's Law:
  When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.


Law of Revelation:
  The hidden flaw never remains hidden.


Langsam's Law:
  Everything depends.


Hellrung's Law:
  If you wait, it will go away.

Shevelson's Extension:
  ... having done its damage.

Grelb's Addition:
  ... if it was bad, it will be back.


Grossman's Misquote:
  Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.


Ducharme's Precept:
  Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.


First Postulate of Isomurphism:
  Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.


The Unapplicable Law:
  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.


Witten's Law:
  Whenever you cut your fingernails, you will find a
need for them an hour later.


Perkin's postulate:
  The bigger they are, the harder they hit.


Harrison's Postulate:
  For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.


Conway's Law:
  In every organization there will always be one person
who knows what is going on.

  This person must be fired.


Stewart's Law of Retroaction:
  It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.


MacDonald's Second Law:
  Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for
a number and give it back to them.


First Law of Laboratory Work:
  Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.


Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1.  If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology.
2.  If it stinks, it's chemistry.
3.  If it doesn't work, it's physics.


To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.


The Sausage Principle:
  People who love sausage and respect the law
should never watch either one being made.


Horngren's Observation: (generalized)
  The real world is a special case.


Merkin's Maxim:
  When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.


Hawkin's Theory of Progress:
  Progress does not consist of replacing a theory that is wrong
with one that is right. It consists of replacing a theory that is
wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.


Never attribute to malice that which is
adequately explained by stupidity.


Matz's warning:
  Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble.


Gold's Law:
  If the shoe fits, it's ugly.


Lewis' Law:
  People will buy anything that's one to a customer.


Law of Reruns:
  If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch
it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.


Shirley's Law:
  Most people deserve each other.


Forgive and remember.


Woltman's Law:
  Never program and drink beer at the same time.


Gallois' Revelation:
  If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out
but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a
very expensive machine, is somehow enobled, and no one dares
to criticize it.


Galbraith's Law of Political Wisdom:
  Anyone who says he is not going to resign, four times, definitely will.


Allen's Law:
  Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.


Allen's Axiom:
  When all else fails, follow instructions.


Allen's Distinction:
  The lion and the calf shall lie down together,
but the calf won't get much sleep.


You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.


Avery's Observation:
  It does not matter if you fall down as long as you
pick up something from the floor while you get up.


Berra's Law:
  You can observe a lot just by watching.


Bicycle Law:
  All bicycles weigh 50 pounds:
  A 30 pound bicycle needs a 20 pound lock.
  A 40 pound bicycle needs a 10 pound lock.
  A 50 pound bicycle doesn't need a lock.


Cohen's Law:
  What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on
the facts, not the facts themselves.


Colson's Law:
  When you've got them by the balls, their hearts
and minds will follow.


Comin's Law:
  People will accept your idea much more readily if you
tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.


Fourth Law of Thermodynamics:
  If the probability of success is not almost one,
then it is damned near zero.


Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
1. An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction.
2. An object at rest will be in the wrong place.


Goldwyn's Law of Contracts.
  A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.


Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
  No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while
the legislature is in session.


Jone's Principle:
  Needs are a function of what other people have.


Langin's Law:
  If things were left to chance,
they'd be better.


In America, it's not how much an item costs that matters,
  it's how much you save.


If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs,
maybe you just don't understand the situation.


Mencken's Metalaw:
  For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution;
and it is always wrong.


Sevareid's Law:
  The chief cause of problems is solutions.


Thoreau's Law:
  If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention
of doing you good, you should run for your life.


Peer's Law:
  The solution to the problem changes the problem.


Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.


Lyall's Conjecture:
  If a computer cable has one end, then it has another.


Lyall's Fundamental Observation:
  The most important leg of a three legged stool
is the one that's missing.


Pournelle's Law of Costs and Schedules:
  Everything costs more and takes longer.


Klipstein's Lament:
  All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided
by payment of the invoice.


Klipstein's Observation:
  Any product cut to length will be too short.


Sueker's Note:
  If you need n items of anything, you will have n - 1 in stock.


Rosenfield's Regret:
  The most delicate component will be dropped.


de la Lastra's Law:
  After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed
from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong
access cover has been removed.

de la Lastra's Corollary:
  After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws,
it will be discovered that the gasket has been ommitted.


Design flaws travel in groups.


  You can't fight the law of conservation of energy
but you sure can bargain with it.


Gerrold's Fundamental Truth:
  It's a good thing money can't buy happiness.
We couldn't stand the commercials.


Gerrold's Law:
  A little ignorance can go a long way.

Lyall's Addendum:
  ... in the direction of maximum harm.


Gerrold's Pronouncement:
  The difference between a politician and a snail is
that a snail leaves its slime behind.


  When a man laughs at his misfortunes, he loses a great
many friends. They never forgive the loss of their perogative.
               H. L. Mencken


  An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better
than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
               H. L. Mencken


  Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country,
it is a sure sign he expects to be paid for it.
               H. L. Menchen


  Democracy is the theory that the common people know what
they want and deserve to get it good and hard.
               H.L. Menchen


  A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
               H. L. Menchen


Arcana Coelestica:
  Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to
that obtained by Christ.
  Puritanism - The haunting fear that someone, somewhere,
may be happy.
               H. L. Menchen


Adultary is the application of democracy to love.
               H. L. Menchen


The Arithmetic of Cooperation:
  When you're adding up committees
    there's a useful rule of thumb:
  that talents make a difference,
    and follies make a sum.
               Piet Hein


The Ultimate Wisdom
  Philosophers must ultimately find their true perfection
in knowing all the follies of mankind by introspection.
               Piet Hein


Murphy's Military Laws:
1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.


Murphy's Military Laws:
2. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.


Murphy's Military Laws:
3. Friendly fire ain't.


Murphy's Military Laws:
4. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone
   is an officer with a map.


Murphy's Military Laws:
5. The problem with taking the easy way out is
   that the enemy has already mined it.


Murphy's Military Laws:
6. The buddy system is essential to your survival;
   it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.


Murphy's Military Laws:
7. The further you are in advance of your own positions,
   the more likely your artillery will shoot short.


Murphy's Military Laws:
8. Incoming fire has the right of way.


Murphy's Military Laws:
9. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.


Murphy's Military Laws:
10. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.


Murphy's Military Laws:
11. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.


Murphy's Miltary Laws:
12. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used
    on abandoned positions.


Murphy's Military Laws:
13. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire
    is incoming friendly fire.


Murphy's Military Laws:
14. There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take
    a shot at you, and miss.


Murphy's Military Laws:
15. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire.
    Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.


Murphy's Military Laws:
16. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.


Conrad's Conundrum:
Technologie don't transfer.


Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit
the national debt.
                         Herbert Hoover

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                                                           (Ladies ONLY Node)

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 looks Mustang has achieve both of these."
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@0E@"Wildcat the best, just ask the rest!"
@0F@   -J&J's BBS [phone] Huber Heights Ohio

@0E@"This is one amazing Bulletin Board System, worth every penny!"
@0F@   -D.M.I. BBS  [phone] [14.4 HST*DS] Dayton, Ohio

@0E@"Wildcat! is the best BBS software I have found, both from a caller and
 sysop's point of view.  Even though it can be personalized to add the
 character of the sysop, the user can easily negotiate any Wildcat! board.
 Keep up the good work!"
@0F@   -Craig Dunstan, THE COMPUTER POST [phone]

@0E@"The support I get from Wildcat is by for the BEST I have ever had
 and Wcrepair has saved my system many times! Keep up the good work!"
@0F@   -Dave Safley, System III [phone] Eltoro, CA

@0E@"The Best Technical Support in the industry!"
@0F@   -DR B'S BBS [phone] ** USR Dual Standard

@0E@"After reading the documentation, I was surprised to see just how
 easy it is to set up a Wildcat! BBS and maintain it! Wildcat is THE
 simplest bbs that I have used!"
@0F@   -Al Goodniss,  The Imperium [phone] [3/12/24] Hudson, MA

@0E@"Two years ago I started with a shareware version of Wildcat! BBS in a town
 that never heard of it.  Shortly following, I quickly became the popular
 BBS in the area and now 80% of the sysops in the area have converted over
 to Wildcat!  It is the users that determine the popularity of a BBS and
 Wildcat! is a hands down favorite.  It is user friendly, fast, powerful,
 easy to set up, well programmed, and well supported.  I've never been on a
 system that matches it."
@0F@   -Hugh Mitchell, M.D., Doctor On Board HST [phone] St. Catharines, ON

@0E@"WildCat! is a real BBS on a disk.  Mustang gives you everything you need
 right on the self-installing diskettes.  Just add computer, modem, and
 stir."
@0F@   -Philip Yanov, CyberTECH BBS [phone] HST

@0E@"WILDCAT! software is one of the BEST BBS packages I have used. I used to
 run GT-Powercom for several months and switching to WILDCAT! was the best
 thing I have ever done!  4-Stars for WILDCAT!!"
@0F@   -The Geneva Convention Adult BBS [phone] [12/24 Baud]

@0E@"Two thumbs up for WILDCAT!
@0F@   -Crisco and Egret

@0E@"When I was shopping to replace my home-grown BBS software, I looked
 at PCBoard, DLX and half a dozen others...  Wildcat was my choice.
 Based on features, reliability, Desqview-aware multiple node support,
 user friendliness for both the sysop and the caller, and Mustang's
 superb technical and product support, there was no other choice but
 Wildcat for this sysop."
@0F@   -Tom Tcimpidis, The MOG-UR'S EMS, Granada Hills, CA; 818-366-1238, 4 nodes

@0E@"With every upgrade of Wildcat that has come out, our system has gotten bet
 and better.  We are now recognized as one of the better BBS's in the
 capital area.  We are really excited about version 3.0 coming soon.  Can
 hardly wait!"
@0F@   -Jay Andrews, Radio Point BBS [3/12/24/96] Lacey, WA [phone]

@0E@"Wildcat just keeps getting better as time passes on!  It is the
 easiest BBS to set up and the ease of use and speed is tremendous!"
@0F@   -Lightning BBS [phone]  Multinode!  Yonkers, NY

@0E@"The important thing for a rookie like me is the support you receive after
 purchasing a product. The support provided by Scott Hunter has been totally
 incredible! My hats off to Scott and Jim and the rest of the Wildcat! crew
 for making this the best possible BBS buy I could ever imagine!"
@0F@   -Sir Fantasy's....THE UNDERGROUND   [phone]  up to 2400

@0E@"Wildcat!, Great Product + Mustang, Great Support = 'The Best'@0E@"
@0F@   -Craig Barnett, PrimeNet(tm) [phone] >HST< 1:15/24.0 Arizona

@0E@"Wildcat! is the only! BBS package that supports Telephone users, Network
 user and Multasking users ALL at the same time... WITH !!! multilevel
 security. It makes setting up Government communications systems a walk in
 the park."
@0F@   -SYSOP OF THE BYRD'S NEST [phone]--A WILDCAT! 2.1P MULTI-NODE BBS

@0E@"After trying just about every shareware bbs on the market I decided
 to register with Mustang Software...Wildcat! Truly a work of art..."
@0F@   -@0E@"Last Chance bbs@0E@" Phila. Pa...215-637-0474...running with Hst 14,400

@0E@"Wildcat has to be the BEST and EASIEST bbs package available.  I've tried
 others and none can compare."
@0F@   -Doug Thompson, The Continental BBS [phone] Annapolis, MD
A Grouch escapes so many little annoyances that it
almost pays to be one.
                        --Kin Hubbard--

If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament!
                        --Florynce Kennedy--

Admiration:  Our polite recognition of another's
             resemblance to ourselves.
                        --Ambrose Bierce--

Advertising may be described as the science of
arresting human intelligence long enough to
get money from it.
                        --Stephen Leacock--

Advertising is 85 percent confusion and
15 percent commission.
                        --Fred Allen--

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because
it is the cheapest way of seeling goods, particularly
if the goods are worthless.
                        --Sinclair Lewis--

Advertising is legalized lying.
                        --H. G. Wells--

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks
as much as you do.
                        --Dylan Thomas--

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging
alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only
in men who are giving away someone else's cash.
                        --P. G. Wodehouse--

Every major horror of history was committed in the name
of an altruistic motive.  Has any act of selfishness
ever equalled the carnage perpetrated by disciples
of altruism?
                        --Ayan Rand--

In our country we have those three unspeakably
precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of
conscience, and the prudence never to practice
either.
                        --Mark Twain--

In America sex is an obsession, in other parts of
the world it is a fact.
                        --Marlene Dietrich--

America is the greatest of opportunities and the
worst of influences.
                        --George Santayana--

The discovery of America was the occasion of the
greatest outburst of cruelty and reckless greed
known in history.
                        --Joseph Conrad--

The genius of you Americans is that you never
make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated
stupid moves which make us wonder at the possi-
bility that there may be something to them which
we are missing.
                        --Gamal Abdel Nasser--

Animals have these advantages over man: they
have no theologians to instruct them, their
funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts
lawsuits over their wills.
                        --Voltaire--

There is no underestimating the intelligence
of the American public.
                        --H. L. Mencken--

Democracy is the are of running the circus
from the monkey cage.
                        --H. L. Mencken--

Perhaps the most revolting character that the United
States ever produced was the Christian business man.
                        --H. L. Mencken--

The trouble with New York is that it has no
nationality at all.  It is simply a sort of free port --
a place where the raw materials of civilization are
received, sorted out, and sent further on.
                        --H. L. Mencken--

Texas is the place where there are the most cows and
the least milk and the most rivers and the least
water in them, and where you can look the farthest
and see the least.
                        --H. L. Mencken--

Baseball has the great advantage over cricket of
being sooner ended.
                        --George Bernard Shaw--

It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't under-
stand that bother me, it's the parts that I do
understand.
                        --Mark Twain--

So far as I can remember, there is not one word
in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.
                        --Bertrand Russell--

Scriptures....The sacred books of our holy religion,
as distinguished from the false and profane writings
on which all other faiths are based.
                        --Ambrose Bierce--

The inspiration of the Bible depends on the ignorance
of the person who reads it.
                        --Robert G. Ingersoll--

No one recovers from the disease of being born; a
deadly wound if there ever was one.
                        --E. M. Cioran--

The trouble with born-again Christians is that they
are an even bigger pain the second time around.
                        --Herb Caen--

He's a born-again Christian.  The trouble is, he
suffered brain damage during rebirth.
                        --Anonymous--

The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
remarkable Christian forebearance among men.
                        --Ambrose Bierce--

Boyys are capital fellows in their own way, among their
mages; but they are unwholesome companions for grown people.
                        --Charles Lamb--

It's silly to go on pretending that under the skin
we are all brothers.  The truth is more likely that
under the skin we are all cannibals, assassins,
traitors, liars and hypocrites.
                        --Henry Miller--

Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies.
                        --Honore' De Balzac--

Chastity: the most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
                        --Aldous Huxley--

Chastity always takes its toll.  In some it produces
pimples; in others, sex laws.
                        --Karl Kraus--

One of the serious obstacles to the improvement
of our race is indiscrimiate charity.
                        --Andrew Carnegie--

Chess is a foolish expedient for making idle people
believe they are doing something very clever when
they are only wasting their time.
                        --George Bernard Shaw--

Chess is as elaborate a waste of human intelligence
as you can find outside an advertising agency.
                        --Raymond Chandler--

There are three terrible ages of childhood -- 1 to
10, 10 to 20, and 20 to 30.
                        --Cleveland Amory--

The secret of dealing successfully with a child
is not to be its parent.
                        --Mell Lazarus--

The best way to keep children at home is to make
the home atmosphere pleasant -- and let the air
out of the tires.       --Dorothy Parker--

A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
                        --Ralph Waldo Emerson--

We are given children to test us and make us
more spiritual.         --George F. Will--

Christ died for our sins.  Dare we make his
martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?
                        --Jules Feiffer--

If Christ were here now there is one thing he
would not be -- A Christian.
                        --Mark Twain--

The last Christian died on the cross.
                        --Anonymous--

Organized Christianity has probably done more to
retard the ideals that were its founder's than
any other agency in the world.
                        --Richard LeGallienne--

Of learned men, the clergy show the lowest development
of professional ethics.  Any pastor is free to steal
customers from the divines of rival sects, and to
denounce the divines themselves as theological quacks.
                        --H. L. Mencken--

A clergyman is one who feels himself called upon to
live without working at the expense of the rascals
who work to live.       --Voltaire--

Communism is like one big phone company.
                        --Lenny Bruce--

It could probably be shown be facts and figures that there
is no distinctively native American criminal class --
except Congress.        --Mark Twain--

Conservative......A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as
                  distinguished from a liberal, who wishes to
                  replace them with others.
                        --Ambrose Bierce--

Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
                        --Oscar Wilde--

Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.
                        --Nietzsche--

Corporation......An ingenious device for obtaining individual
                 profit without individual responsibility.
                        --Ambrose Bierce--

Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how its done,
they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it
themselves.             --Brendan Behan--

Critics are a dissembling, dishonest, contemptible
race.  Asking a working writer wht he thinks about
critics is likd asking a fire plug what it feels
about dogs.             --John Osborne--

The power of accurate observation is commonly called
cynicism by those who have not got it.
                        --George Bernard Shaw--

Democracy encourages the majority to decide things
about which the majority is blissfully ignorant.
                        --John Simon--

The substitution of election by the incompetent many
for appointment by the corrupt few properly describes
the institution of Democracy.
                        --George Bernard Shaw--

Democracy becomes a government of bullies, barely
tempered by editors.    --Laurence J. Peters--

One of the most common of all diseases is diagnosis.
                        --Karl Kraus--

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only
difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas
doctors rob you and kill you too.
                        --Anton Chekhov--

Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made
stupid by education.    --Bertrand Russell--

We are shut up in schools and college recitation
rooms for ten or fifteen years, and come out at
last with a bellyful of words and do not know
a thing.                --Ralph Waldo Emerson--

Education is a method whereby one acquires a
higher grade of prejudices.
                        --Laurence J. Peter--

Equality may perhaps be a right, but no power on
earth can ever turn it into a fact.
                        --Honore' de Balzac--

We learn from experience that men never learn
anything from experience.  -- Oscar Wilde--

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of
his best friend.        --Groucho Marx--

Faith.....Belief without evidence inwhat is told by
          one sho speaks without knowledge, of things
          without parallel.  --Ambrose Bierce--

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief
in the occurrence of the improbable.
                        --H. L. Mencken--

A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows
that faith does not prove anything.
                        --Nietzsche--

The most common of all follies is to believe passionately
in the palpably not true.  It is the chief occupation of
mankind.                --H. L. Mencken--

When I can no longer bear to think of the
victims of broken homes, I begin to think of the
victims of intact ones.   --Peter DeVries--

Always forgive your enemies -- Nothing annoys them so much.
                        --Oscar Wilde--

France is th only couontry where the money falls
apart and you can't tear the toilet paper.
                        --Billy Wilder--

What I gained by being in France was learning to
be better satisfied with my own country.
                        --Samual Johnson--

France?  I would have loved it -- without the French.
                        --D. H. Lawrence--

When people are free to do as they please, they
usually imitate each other.   --Eric Hoffer--

Friendship is a very taxing and arduous form of
leisure activity.       --Mortimer Adler--

If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot
stomping on a human face -- forever.
                        --George Orwell--

"Gay" used to be one of the most agreeable words in
the language.  Its appropriation by a notably morose
group is an act of piracy.
                        --Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr.--

When a true genius appears in the world you may
know him by this sign:  that all the dunces are
in confederacy against him.  --Jonathon Swift--

Gentility is what is left over from rich ancestors
after the money is gone.   --John Ciardi--

The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist.
                        --Stendhal--

God seems to have left the receiver off the hook
and time is running out.   --Arthur Koestler--

It takes a long while for a naturally trustful person
to reconcile himself to the idea that after all God
will not help him.      --H. L. Mencken--

He (God) seems to have an inordinate fondness for beetles.
                        --J. B. S. Haldane--

The good die young -- because they see it's no use living
if you've got to be good.    --John Barrymore--

On the whole, human beings want to be good, but
not too good and not quite all the time.
                        --George Orwell--

It is almost impossible systematically to constitue a natural
moral law.  Nature has no principles.  She furnishes us with
no reason to believe that human life is to be respected.
Nature, in her indifference, makes no disctinction between
good and evil.          --Anatole France--

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of
a good example.         --Mark Twain--

A government is the only know vessel that leaks from the top.
                        --James Reston--

Every government is run by liars and nothing they say
should be believed.     --I. F. Stone--

In general, the art of government consists in taking
as much money as possible from one class of the
citizens to give to the other.   --Voltaire--
Also a good definition of the Democratic Party.

Government is an association of men who do violence
to the rest of us.      --Leo Tolstoy--

Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favors.
                        --Anonymous--

History is a set of lies agreed upon.
                        --Napoleon Bonaparte--

History repeats itself; that's one of the things that's
wrong with history.     --Clarence Darrow--

We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
                        --G. F. Wilhelm Hegel--

On the whole history tends to be rather poor fiction --
except at its best.     --Gore Vidal--

An historian is nothing more than an unsuccessful novelist.
                        --H. L. Mencken--

History would be a wonderful thing -- if only it were true.
                        --H. L. Mencken--

Holidays are an expensive trial of strength.  The only
satisfaction comes from survival.   --Jonathan Miller--

The Holy Roman Empire was neither holy, nor Roman, nor an
Empire.                 --Voltaire--

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils, because it
prolongs the torments of man.    --Nietzsche--

There are times when you hav to choose between being human
and having good taste.  --Bertoldt Brecht--

It is easier to denature plutonium than to denature the
evil spirit of man.     --Albert Einstein--

No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds
that it was human nature.    --A. A. Milne--

@CLS@@07@@1F@        @1E@WILD BEE'S BBS
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 @18@ANSI BEE by ED REY